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[16 Oct 2004|09:51pm]
someone give me a knife. so i can cut my wrist.

sweet blood.....
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sorry [04 Aug 2004|08:33pm]
[ mood | dirty ]

so i got ungrounded again finally and i decided to go to trevor's house. trevor and i got into a fight. i really hate boys. i found out from stephie's boyfriend john that trevor had cheated on me while i was locked up and grounded. i didn't want to believe it until i got to trevor's house, then i saw the look in his eyes. i still can't believe it.

i really don't know what else to say.
i really am sorry i haven't been updating.. alot has been happening but i havent got the chance to update. i promise i will more often.

right now i just dont have the words.

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[28 Jun 2004|07:33pm]
[ mood | awake ]

I AM 82% EMO!
82% EMO
Holy gee whilikers... I am as emo as it gets... I will try to cheer the heck up and stop wiping my nose on my sweater...
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[27 Jun 2004|01:22am]
[ mood | accomplished ]

i feel a little better since i wrote that last entry...
i made my journal look nice...

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strawberry gashes all over all over... [27 Jun 2004|12:20am]
[ mood | miserable ]

I want my boyfriend!
I haven't talked to him since around the last time I updated this damn journal. since then everything has sucked. the end of last month i finally got so sick of my life i decided to cut my wrists and end it. im still here so i havent ended it.. but thats just my luck. it wouldve worked too if my parents hadnt called and said they where coming home early. it would have worked too if i wouldnt have gotten caught and ended up in the physc ward. they arent so bad. at least i got to get away even if it wasnt to a paradise that i had wanted. the whole time i was there i lost ten pounds. all they would let me eat and drink where fruits and milk for snacks and meat at dinner time. my roomates name was caitlyn. she was a bitch. one time i woke up in the middle of the night and she was staring at me. i let this go on for hours, until they came in for bed check. then she was sent out of the room. fucking bed check. they always wake me up with those damn flashlights in my face. i hated taking showers there. i couldnt even shave because i was on suicide watch. they actually watched me bathe, like i was going to kill myself with their cheap bar of soap that i was only allowed to have. my parents wouldnt let me bring anything except my clothes. the motherfuckers wouldnt even bring me cd's and a small cd player... so i had to listen to what caitlyn was listening to, which was usually some shitty jay z tapes, or usher. they made me take a ton of classes. mostly art therapy. i had to draw pictures of how i felt. i felt like a disaplined child again. one thing is for sure. i never want to go back there.. even if i can get away for a while.

i was there for about two weeks. as soon as i got home, i was instantly grounded. grounded for a trip to the physc ward. what kind of parents do that?! i hate those fuckers. i just got ungrounded so im finally back on here. but only for an hour a day. i hate my life.

i want my boyfriend so bad! i miss you, trevor. i'm not allowed to see him for another week.
stephie called today too but i wasn't allowed to talk to her either.. or anyone else.

i wish they'de stop treating me like a child.
i'm locked up and caged.. all alone in my home.

....i wish i had died....

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[26 May 2004|10:52pm]
[ mood | crying ]

I should start calling my parents by their first names.
they don't really respect me.. so why should i respect them???

"Well here I am. I don't know how to say this.
The only thing I know is awkward silence."

-saves the day- -freakish-

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[25 May 2004|11:23pm]
[ mood | stressed ]

So i decided to finally join livejournal. Stephie told me all about it and it sounds like a good vent, which I need at the moment.

I guess I will just start with today and fill you guys in as i go along. I went to school and aaron and marie said i should dump trevor, after what he did the other night. maybe i will tell you guys at one point. my wrists will definitly tell you if i dont. i dont know if i should or not. i mean, i really love him. he is my everything. even if he can be a jerk sometimes.

mom made me do so many chores today when i got home. i felt like i was going to die. i wish i would've. i really hate her. maybe she wouldve paid attention. dad and mark (my brother, 12) went to play baseball and mom went to the bar, leaving me and ellen (my younger sister, 7) at home, for me to babysit. sometimes i feel so unwanted. if i didn't have to babysit i wonder what i would do. if ellen didnt need me i'd probably be slicing my wrists right now.

this is life for me i guess though.....

"Its hard to dream
Well you'll try hard
In this half hearted minute
You sleep alone
Its hard to dream
If you're a ghost
Its only a matter of time
Before we fade out"

-the dotted line, thursday

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